#ThrowbackThursday - Loverboy

 

"Thank you," Tango said one night, a beer in his hand, Mercy's solid presence taking up most of the couch beside him. 

In the kitchen, he could hear the girls talking happily about something, the bright spill of Whitney's laughter like a gift. Aidan had taken a colicky Lainie for a walk out in the cool early spring air; the faint notes of his terrible singing voice could be heard when he passed close to the window. 

"For everything," Tango continued, quietly. "I mean, for doing what I couldn't, yeah, but for...for listening." All those makeshift therapy sessions in the apartment, Ava's baked goods, the complete and total acceptance of all the terrible stories he'd told, the lack of judgement. 

His eyes burned, suddenly. "I..."

"Hey." Mercy's huge arm went around his shoulders and pulled him in close. "I'm always here, okay?"

Tango nodded. 

"Love you, brother."

He couldn't speak for the lump in his throat, but Tango nodded again, and he hoped Mercy could read the love in it. He probably could; he was perceptive like that.

I can remember being crabby in general while writing Loverboy, but didn't put two-and-two together until after the fact that it was because the book was so very heavy. Even then, with the story fresh in my mind, I don't think I realized that it was the sort of relentless, sucker-punch story that kept layering bad upon bad, trauma upon trauma, that makes for a nervy and unsettling reading experience. Even an upsetting one. It's a bit of a shock to page back through the book now, looking for quotes, and see just how dark it is. I wouldn't change a thing, though. Tango's story is all-too-real, and the end message of hope and a positive future is one that I think is necessary for the series. 

I set the Reel for the book on Insta to "Masterpiece Theater III" by Marianas Trench, because that song has always been Tango's for me. 

#Loverboy Read-Along

At the beginning of last week, I anticipated writing several posts for the read-along of this book. It was the most challenging - and in that sense rewarding - book of the whole series for me, and it covers all sorts of sensitive topics. There was a lot of unpacking to do, I thought. I've blogged about it in the past, but I spent all of last week struggling to put together a post. And I finally realized why. It's a tough book to read, yes, but I also think it's a book that says what it needs to. I don't know that blogging about it after the fact adds to its meaning or impact. 

So I decided I'm not going to pick it apart and tease out every scene. But I will say two things about it.

One, it was important to me that Tango not be stoic throughout this story. This isn't a book about being a tough biker guy. Tango can't be stoic here - he's hurting in so, so many ways. He needs help. His heart's shattered. I wanted to show him in pieces; show him struggling, and emotional, and leaning on his friends - and I wanted to show those friends picking him up and showing him that he's loved, unconditionally. It's a story about hope and healing and recovery, and, not about forgetting the past, but learning to live with it. I wanted Kev to be vulnerable. Every single line in which he seems fragile was a deliberate choice. 

And two, I wanted to pull back the curtain on Ian and show that this villain started as a victim. He isn't cruel for the sake of it. He isn't a cackling madman. At heart, he's a very damaged little boy doing the best he can - but where Tango has punished himself, Ian has punished others. His drug of choice has been flexing his power. I wanted to show the ways two people can go through the same thing, and walk away from it with completely different coping mechanisms for their trauma. Neither is right, neither is wrong. This is who they are; this is how they've healed, which is to say, badly. But, with loving support, they can start to soften some of those scars. 

What's your favorite thing about Loverboy? Is it a book you can read over and over again? Or does it hurt too much? 

#TBT DVD Extras - 3/23

Because Loverboy was full of so many difficult moments, it made the good moments twice as special. The scene with Tango and Ian sitting on the Jag, watching the sun come up, is probably my favorite of the entire story:

In a small, vulnerable voice, Ian said, “Do you think it will be better now? Since she’s gone?”

            “I hope so.”

            Ian sat up, and leaned against Tango’s shoulder, the warm pressure a comfort. It felt like apology and gratitude. Like friendship. Like letting one another go.

            They watched the sun come up.

It was a scene that was sketched very early in the process, a note off to the side: must include this scene. Even when I wasn't sure exactly how the plot would shake out, I knew I wanted a moment of quiet closure between these two, just them being messed-up boys trying to let go of the bad things. We always see Ian so polished and manipulative, and I wanted him to have a reflective, human moment.

A note on Ian: he's one of my absolute favorites. Total indulgence on my part; I thought "how can I incorporate a dandified English gentleman in this series?" Tango's backstory evolved early on, while I was writing Fearless, and Ian took shape along the way. Then it was a matter of hoping everyone loved him like I did.

Kindle

Nook

Kobo

**GIVEAWAY**

I'm giving away three signed paperback copies of Loverboy over on Facebook. Head over there for rules and entry, and good luck!

More Music and Some Post-Release Thoughts

It's going to sound silly, but I'm still trying to decompress post-Loverboy. It was definitely not the normal writing experience; this one put me through the wringer, and I'm still feeling little ripples of anxiety, even though it's all done. I think maybe it's because - especially at the end - it became too consuming for me to even blog or post normally, and I haven't had the chance to really talk about it much. So I wanted to share a few post-release notes.

- One of the things I feel like I didn't get a chance to share within the text: not everyone travels the same road to recovery. Tango's path was just that - his path. It worked for him. But I wanted to encourage anyone dealing with trauma or PTSD to seek help. I wouldn't exactly recommend Mercy's Therapy Clinic. Heh.

- I played around with some new-for-me writing techniques in this one, choosing to write the darkest Nest-related scenes with an intentional sort of passive prose, to highlight Tango's conditioning, one, and also to let the horror of it bleed through the straightforward descriptions. Describing those kinds of scenes isn't like describing a restaurant, or a friendly chat, and it was really important that the darkest content be expressed in a really clean and tidy way. Hence the seven months of writing - I wanted this book to feel different from the rest of the series.

- I had a lot of good conversations with my beta - more than normal - about specific word choice and my intent behind it. That was really fun: talking about the way "burst into tears" was going to have a different impact from, say, "a few manly tears." At every turn, I went for the anti-masculine response, so it was all very purposeful.

- It was important to me that we got to see a different side of Ghost in this one, and I hope that was successful. I love playing with the impression he gives readers; he has a lot of love in his dark heart, and he has the utmost respect for Mags, accepts Tango without hesitation - but then he protects his club at the risk of looking villainous at other times. I wanted softer, stand-up-guy Ghost this time around.

- The character who wasn't supposed to have a real role, but who ended up with something to say was Alec. It was actually a lot of fun to get to know him over the course of the book. And I actually kind of love the idea of seeing more of him in the future, co-captain of the Dramatic Long Coat Club.

If I had one hope for this book, it was that readers would walk away feeling like it was okay to ask for help. And that you aren't the sum of the bad things that have happened to you. I'm so glad to be done with it...but I'm also so glad that I was able to tell this kind of story within the terribly rigid framework of the outlaw MC world. It's a book about growth, in all aspects.

As promised earlier, more tracks:

Playlist Part II

"Masterpiece Theatre III" - Marianas Trench

"Breakin' a Sweat" - Skrillex & The Doors

"Safe & Sound (feat. The Civil Wars)" - Taylor Swift

"Hey Brother" - Avicii

"House of the Rising Sun" - Jypsi

#Loverboy is LIVE!!

It's here! I said September 1st, and thankfully everything came together.

You can grab Loverboy for Kindle here. Paperbacks are in the works, currently, and Nook always takes a little longer to appear.

A few notes:

This has been a challenging project, to say the least. I don't think I've ever been so relieved to turn a project loose. That said, I know this book isn't for everyone. It was really important to me that I tell Tango's story - despite the massive headache it turned out to be - which means this isn't the sexy MC novel most people are wanting. Regardless, I'm really proud of it, and I hope my Dartmoor fans will enjoy it.

If you have the time, Amazon reviews would be deeply appreciated!!

I'm going to take about a week to just chill, and then will slowly get back into writing, starting with Dear Heart updates. I'm going to take it kind of easy until November, at which point I've got a novel to finish for NaNoWriMo. As of right now, I don't have release dates for Prodigal Son or the Ghost/Mags book.

I've got a few supplementary posts to come, more playlists and such. Feel free to come ask questions over at FB!

Happy Reading, everyone!

#MusicMonday 8/22

My mom texted me last week and said I needed to listen to "Vice" by Miranda Lambert, that it was a good song for Tango. So I finally did, and she was right, and it's A) a good song; her voice is lovely on this one. And B) it's a good song pick for Tango, too. The poor boy does have a lot of vices. And on a deeper note, the sheer prettiness of Miranda's voice in this song feels appropriate; because Tango is the pretty one, and because his role in this story lacks all machismo. There is a delicacy to him that lends itself to an atypical energy in this sort of book.

This week I'm finishing up initial edits, and it's the first time I've read the manuscript all the way through, start to finish. I've read it all in segments, but the tone is always a little different when reading sequentially. Read: it's even darker in one go.

On one hand, I'm really pleased with the prose. It's satisfying to read, which isn't a normal feeling for me at this stage. So I'm happy with the book, yes. But on the other hand, this is still the book I dread releasing. Mostly because I feel so protective of Tango - and how silly is that, because he's a fictional character, and these are just words on a page. But I already dread the response from certain sectors.

There's a comprehensive trigger warning at the beginning of the book, and I would caution everyone to read it. This book is half-horror, half-revival, and it's 0.00% steamy romance. This is not a book about a hot, dominant biker. It's a tear-jerker, not a panty-melter. I just really want everyone to go into the book forewarned. It took seven months to write, all of them stressful and difficult, and so I'm not sure how hard this will hit individual readers, but I know that the book is dark and potentially-triggering. So please take care while reading.

My vice? Bucking the damn system, and Tango's book is the biggest buck of all.

The Tango Aesthetic

Listening to this song and styling Tango.

The thing about Tango is that he's worn two hats that aren't his in his life: Loverboy from The Cuckoo's Nest, and Tango the Lean Dog. He hasn't had a whole lot of time to examine the Kev underneath, and that, well, it's coming to a head now.

He wishes desperately that he wasn't "pretty." He's convinced himself none of this would have happened if he'd been an unattractive kid. And he's self-conscious, still, hence all the piercings, and haircuts, and tats. Trying to cover up the kid who was taken and used for his physical appearance.

The Whitney Aesthetic

Currently listening to Sara Bareilles and styling for Whitney.

"No, no I don't want the next best thing."

Whitney is one of those characters with a gift for seeing past people's barriers and looking straight into who they really are on the inside. It would be easy to write her off as naïve - especially given her age - but her brother was killed by his dealers, so...she knows a few things about how dark the world is. That doesn't stop her from feeling things deeply, though. Far from numb, she maybe cares a little too much. And when it comes to Tango, she isn't blinded by his good deeds; she sees that under the biker façade, he is a desperate, scared, deeply damaged little boy in great need of unconditional love. She wants to be his crusader, and her relative innocence is a bright, warm source of comfort for Tango, who feels like he can trust her reactions, since she's never been made to put on a show.

She doesn't really fit into this Dartmoor world. A little too sweet, a little too preppy and genuine, maybe. She likes making breakfast, and she's a midnight painter, and she doesn't like her cubicle job, but likes spending time with her coworkers in the break room.

For some couples, shared experiences are so important. But in this case, Tango needs a lifeline. Whitney isn't thrilling, and not even all that complex, but she's good. And sometimes we need the reminder that there's nothing wrong with just being a good person.

#Loverboy Cover Reveal

LOVERBOY

Dartmoor Book V

by Lauren Gilley

Coming Soon

The Lean Dogs MC has long been a haven for the outlaws, the rebels, the ill-adjusted, and the outright monsters of Knoxville, Tennessee. They are a dark, dangerous brand of misfit, etched with ink, splattered with blood, and vilified by the town they call home. The only laws they follow are the ones set down in the club charter by their leather-clad forefathers.

But some outlaws have secrets they can’t even share with their club brothers. The Lean Dogs call him “Tango,” but once upon a time, Kevin Estes went by “Loverboy.” It’s a past his club could never understand, one that’s going to kill him.

Loverboy is the fifth full-length installment in the Dartmoor Series and is NOT a standalone. It handles sensitive, potentially-triggering subjects, and is intended for MATURE audiences only.

Copyright © 2016 by Lauren Gilley

Music Monday - 5/16

Back from the weekend ready to write! By hand, ugh. I'm on doctor's orders to institute "major lifestyle changes" in order to reduce the constant inflammation in my back, yada yada. So. Greatly reduced computer time for me.

I'm hoping to get my Tastes Like Candy proofs in the mail today! I'll need a week or two to apply edits, so I'm thinking about a Memorial Day release. That will be our tentative date going forward - 5/30/16.

I'm also diving back into Loverboy today. I think a little breather away from the book was just what I needed, because now I'm excited to return to Tango's story. I'm thinking about a mid-July release, so let's keep our fingers crossed.

It's Music Monday, so here's a few tracks off the Loverboy playlist:

"I Can't Go On Without You" - Kaleo

"Sweater Weather" - The Neighborhood

"Lessons in Love (feat. Neon Trees)" - Kaskade

Let's Talk About Tango

 

I've been bad about keeping up with Music Mondays over the last few months, though I'm usually listening to something. Today, it's "Alive," and "Shoot It Out" for Tango (the acoustic version of "Shoot It Out" is cool too). So let's talk about him for a minute.

 

I've had more emails and messages about Tango than about any other character. I've had a blast watching everyone go back and forth about Ian vs. Whitney in the FB group. Tango has always been special to me, and by now it's clear that he's special to readers too. I think it's safe to say that Loverboy is the most-requested book of the series. I'm working on it now, trading off between it and Candy, alternating days. It's unlike any previous project; to sit down and write is to go to an unfamiliar creative headspace, one that is consuming and a little bit depressing. None of the Dartmoor books read like genre fiction, but this one...Tango's story...is even more different and off the grid. And I almost feel like I need to prepare everyone for it.

 

Several things: for starters, this is a heavy book. When I wrote Angels, I decided that Holly's terrible past had to be just that for readers: terrible. I don't believe in using trauma as a means of generating sympathy, or pushing the plot forward in lieu of slowly-developed chemistry and organic character growth. Having Holly say that she was abused, and leaving it there, would have been the equivalent of her telling the audience, "You should feel sorry for me, and I'm a brave person." That would have been cheap, and I don't do cheap. I like for my work to feel visual and cinematic, and so I thought nothing could convey her strength like simply drawing back the veil of time and showing you the things that happened.

 

So I always knew that if I wrote Tango's book, we would have to go back and *see* the past. And I also knew that I wanted his story to be interesting, to consist of small scenes tucked into larger scenes, and memories fading in and out of focus. Non-linear, rule book chucked into the trash compactor, big messy issues dropped on the floor and left for the characters, and you, to decipher at will. Brace yourself for flashbacks, angst, and some possibly-disturbing imagery.

 

This is going to be a multi-POV novel with three central protagonists, and plenty of input from the rest of our expansive cast. It is not going to be a tightly-focused romance novel. For the readers hoping for a book about one couple's romance, I'm sorry to say that this just isn't going to be the book for you. Likewise, this book will not appeal to readers who prefer "alpha" men. Tango is not, nor will he ever be "alpha." He is a very broken boy; this is a book about overcoming the past, accepting your life for what it is, and learning that you have value as a human being.

 

I want to be very exact with this one; I want it just so. I don't want to do what anyone says I *should* do, just because I'm writing about bikers. This isn't about bikers. This is about Kevin Estes, who is loved by his brothers, and who needs so badly to be loved, even though he thinks he doesn't measure up. This is a character story, a study in dark realities, and I cannot wait to share it with my dear readers. I can't wait for you to watch Kev succeed.  

 

So. Stock up the tissues. I'm shooting for April.