Re-Read

I have, admittedly, had a shitty summer. I'm sure there are those who've had worse summers, and to them I extend my true sympathies - and feel no small amount of shame for feeling sad for my own shitty summer. But. It is what it is. Grief is funny. It recedes for long moments, and allows you to be perfectly normal and ordinary; and then it comes surging back, like a wave, seemingly without provocation, and knocks your feet out from under you. Leaves you stunned and stupid, thinking, "He's dead," and you just...grasp, mentally, for a moment. And you try very hard not to think about the scar in the soil of the paddock behind the barn, though you see it every day, and you try even harder not to think about what's happening beneath that soil. 

It's been a shitty summer. But. Life goes on. Responsibility and work go on, and we just press along no matter what life throws at us, the best we can. I've made ugly decisions before, and I will again...but, there are moments, there are days, when those decisions drag at you. When you need a deep breath, and maybe a hug, when it just...hurts. 

I've gotten off topic. Because the point I wanted to make with this post was this: we all have our dark moments, and, sometimes, in those moments, we soothe ourselves with fiction. 

In the last two months, I've sought a bit of peace in re-watching two of my favorite shows, both of which I've recc'd here on the blog: Yuri on Ice, and Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. Both of which make me cry like a baby, so that's a rather stupid decision. But they're comforting, too. They're good, and they make me feel creative, and artistically whole. YOI I tackled in a day, last month. But FMA is a much longer show, and so I started it, and have been working my way slowly through it an episode or two at a time. 

Early this morning, when I couldn't sleep, I watched the end of Season 2, Episode 13, which is the ep which, at the end - spoiler alert - Ed encounters Al's body inside the Portal of Truth, and: cue waterworks. Artistically, I love every time an episode ends with a bleed-over of the end credits music - the music in this show is amazing. But also, on a character level, this ending is a doozy. One of those smack-you-in-the-face moments you aren't expecting, that make you tear up. 

I've been thinking, as I re-watch favorite shows, and re-read favorite books (I'm on a Vampire Chronicles re-read, currently) about the ways a second viewing/reading cuts so much closer than a first. The ways we see new things, and have old things reinforced in even more meaningful ways. The first time you watch or read something, you're mostly along for the ride. And you feel things - God knows I cried like a baby when I reached the end of FMA for the first time. What a perfect freaking ending to a story. But in my re-watch, I already know how I feel about all the characters, I'm already sold, I'm already attached. And on my re-watch/re-read, I'm looking at all the details. I'm putting myself in the moment and trusting in a way I couldn't as a first-time watcher. 

I won't lie and pretend that part of my reason for posting this isn't to double-recommend Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood to you, if you haven't watched it. It's off Amazon, but it's still on Netflix, so I can't encourage you enough to go watch it. It's become my favorite show of all time, and, as a late-comer to it, I can't express how much I wish I'd known about it sooner. 

My other angle is this: I wanted to thank everyone who's commented/messaged recently to tell me they've been re-reading my books. I can't think of a better compliment. Because, readers being excited about new books, and hyping an author as a celeb gets lots of immediate attention. I mean, all authors want that, don't they? But when someone tells me they're re-reading...then I know that I've provided thoughtfulness and comfort to that reader. I know that my books have been a bright spot. And when that's the case, I can't express my gratitude. I can only hope I continue to write the sorts of books that beg a re-read. That are a comfort, a distraction, a balm. 

Fiction is an escape, and I thank you for allowing me to, at moments, provide that. 

I'm leaving a link, right here, for the FMA scene I'm talking about. If you have TV time, I hope you'll consider it for your rotation. And I thank you, whole-heartedly, for giving me the chance to entertain/comfort/distract you. I know how important that can be.